Monty's Top Tips for Young Pups

Tuesday 30th March .....

Here are one or two things I've learnt and should pass on to younger dogs. Magnus doesn't listen. Already he thinks he's a bit of a star and doesn't need to conform. He'll learn.

BATHROOMS

These are particularly dangerous places for dogs. Here are some major tips I’ve picked up over the years.

• Never drink out of toilets. They frequently have smelly cleaning stuff in them which is not good for dogs.
• Keep away from the bath. I’ve tried to talk to Magnus about this but he just won’t listen. Baths are for humans. They are not for us. Magnus, and previously Morgan, likes to have a drink of warm water out of the bath while one of the masters is in it. This is not a good idea. At first the water may be fine but then they put soapy stuff in it. Also being in the vicinity of a bath makes the humans think that perhaps we should be in it too. Magnus should know this. When he was a small puppy he found himself in the bath when all he was doing was licking Ewen, who was pruning up nicely, in the warm water.
• Do not try and help the humans dry themselves. Licking them dry is a good idea for us but not for them.
• Keep away from the most dangerous thing in the bathroom……………..the walk in shower. Magnus has, despite warnings, actually stepped inside!!! This is just not on. By doing this we are opening the doors to being showered. Morgan used to do this frequently. He was particularly fond of rolling in foul smelling things. When we got home the mistress would point at the shower. Morgan would walk in. I have been known to do this too but have made my contempt felt by shaking myself dry along the hall and rubbing myself all over the furniture. Magnus needs to learn to be less chirpy about stepping into this trap. It has been discussed but once again ignored. I have maintained my usual pattern of moving swiftly past this room and ignore the humans when they are in it.

ELECTRICAL EQUIPMENT

These are extremely dangerous for all animals at all times. They are even dangerous for humans when in the wrong hands or condition.

• Never, ever chew wires. You might yourself getting a bit of a shock
• Keep away from hoovers. These make terrible noises and things disappear inside them. I have had little piles of food stacked in various hidey holes. Pam comes past with her hoover (seldom away from her side) and they disappear. Magnus shows little regard for this especially when food could be involved. Instead of making an elegant exit, he dances round the thing and jumps out off the way. I have to admit a certain admiration for this. Every other dog I’ve known has been a bit scared of the things.
• Keep away from hair-dryers. They make a noise, send out hot hair and poof your coat up something rotten.

NOT TO BE CHEWED OR EATEN

This is a difficult area for dogs. Some things are just best avoided for varieties of reasons.

The following should be avoided at all costs because chewing or eating them really pisses off the mistress.

• Clothes of any sort. (and never give dirty underwear as a present)
• Shoes, boots and sandals. (slippers seem to be a free area)
• Carpets
• Furniture
• Electrical equipment ( see previous chapter)

The following should be avoided because they really aren’t good for you and can make you ill if chewed or eaten.

• Poo of any kind
• Household pot plants. Some of these, like peace lilies can make you very ill.
• Some food. I find this quite scarey but some food is not good for dogs. Chocolate is one, grapes are another. Magnus adores grapes but that has come to an end.
• Golf balls. In fact any ball of swallowing size.
• Dead things. They may smell and taste interesting but can contain bad things.
• Curry. Mick once ate some curry. Said his bottom was very hot for days.
• The testicles of older sleeping dogs. The response to this abuse is not good.
• LATE EXTRA : NEVER TRY THE ABOVE ON YOUR MASTER WHEN HE'S JUST OUT OF THE SHOWER. THE RESULTS ARE WORSE THAN THE ABOVE. (just seen Magnus do this. Do not try this at home)

And last but not least. Listen to your elders. We've been through it all and really do know one or two things.